A few days later, I had another vision. I was breast feeding and fell asleep. The baby fell out of my protective arms and onto the floor, hitting various edges of the bed on the way down.
Then there were the stairs.
And the sidewalk.
And the pot of boiling water knocking over and spilling on her.
Nothing is safe! I texted my friends. Help! I cannot seem to stop these visions! This fear is gripping my heart. My good friend texted back, "these will never stop in your head, but you must not let the fear take over". Ok. Try to remember. But it's easier said than done.
We brought her home and she seemed so small and frail. We prayed over our narrow staircase many times, even now when I carry her up or down them, I hold my breath a little.
And then it happened- it really happened. I thought it would be nice to take her for a walk. And since she hates the stroller, we must use the Bjorn, but only if she is facing outward so she can see everything. She had been quite fussy, but when I took her outside, she was again fascinated by everything. I showed her the trees and flowers like I normally do and we strolled. I decided to go the opposite way this time for a new view. She was so content. Every few minutes she would crank her little head up toward me and look in my eyes and I would kiss her little nose. I was telling her something, I do not even remember what, when bam! I fell. It happened so fast. Next thing I knew I was on all fours on the cement and her head hit the sidewalk. Petrified, I stood up quickly and whisked her out of the carrier. She was quiet at first. Was she unconscious?! Then she started screaming- that's good! She's not in a coma. I tried to look for blood quickly but was actually afraid to check. We were almost home and I briskly walked home. Mark had heard her screaming and had just assumed the usual colickyness we experience everyday and met me at the door. He saw me running towards him and was smiling- NO! Don't smile! I think I killed our baby! I ran to him and said- I fell! And we rushed inside and I looked at her for the first time. I had blood on me so she had it now on her clothes and a little on her face. I passed her to Mark as I was shaking so badly, and thought- we must go to the ER! We need to check for skull fractures, bleeding, concussion.... Mark said, sit down. We need to pray. I was bawling. He prayed. Breathe.
It happened. One of my many fears came true. And she was fine. And again, the fear grips my heart of the potential outcomes.... but God is bigger. He is bigger than fear. And I cannot live my life in the what ifs... making back up plans and back ups to my back up plans. I need to learn to live in the present, giving the fears up to our wonderful Saviour and trust that no matter what happens, it will be ok. It's a scary place, this earth, when you bring someone into it. At first when they are so fragile and dependent, but even as they grow up and out of our arms. Because anything can happen.
I checked on her a few times before I went to bed. Had a glass of wine and made myself stop thinking about it. We watched an episode of our current TV show. The next day, her face was already looking so much better. Her forehead and nose had abrasions as well as a little on one of her hands. The beginning of many falls with bumps and bruises.
Sigh. It will never end- the fear. The knowledge that she will get hurt no matter what I do to protect her.
No comments:
Post a Comment